Thoughts From A Caveman Gamer

At the moment I'm doing a series of interviews with gamers for Console Heroes as part of a series im calling Female Gamers?
I thought it would be pretty funny to do an intro before the interviews as a character i like to call Caveman Gamer.

Caveman gamer is basically your average generic asshole male gamer that has the mind set stuck in the days of old. As a result his opinion is women should not be allowed to work, leave mans stuff alone and should concentrate on being a good little housewife and run around after him all day. I actually enjoyed pushing the character and trying to come up with these, although i also found them very challenging as well. Especially as I've been writing the majority of them just after I've formatted the interviews ready to post up straight away.

The results have been mixed, but i got told that some were very funny which was one of the main points of them in the first place, and i also have been told by a few people that i was an asshole. That is until they actually found out it was all just a joke and not my real opinion. So for your amusement heres the ones that i have written so far.

It turns out that we have a problem, no longer are females happy to sit at home baking cakes and having children. First they wanted to vote, then jobs of their own where they get treated equal like a male. (Pretty horrifying so far isnt it, but wait it gets worse, a whole lot worse) Now they want to invade our internetz and play our games.

Well after yesterdays set of interviews i thought the best way to calm down would be to hop on the 360 and play a game or two. So i powered on the 360 and put Dynasty Warriors Gundam in the drive and away i went . The game is about men in big giant robot suits battling to the death to save or destroy mankind or something like that. So surely its going to be a testosterone filled game with lots of violence so you thought i would be happy playing it, and i was really enjoying playing it.

Well i was enjoying the game until i found out that they have women piloting the mechs as well who also cheat and destroy my mech with a few cheap shots. As if women can pilot mechs they can`t even drive cars, so once again females managed to ruin my gaming experience.

I would like to retract my statement about females not being needed in games. I have come to realise what a vital role they play in the gaming landscape. Without Peach and Daisy Mario would have never had a inferior human being to rescue, and the franchise may never have changed the landscape of gaming to getting to the point as we know it today. There would be nobody to come last in Mario Kart. No boobs to stare at while playing Dead Or Alive and no Lara Croft`s ass to stare at as she crawled through tight spaces. So we do indeed need females in games if only to show how inferior they are and to oggle while playing games.

Most of you will agree that Goldeneye was one of the best games on the Nintendo 64, there is a reason why this is true, you played as James Bond a secret agent who is known for his kick ass skills as a spy. It was a case of right character at the in the right game. But what would happen if you replaced James Bond with a female character and set the game in th future? Well you would get Perfect Dark which despite its biggest failing of featuring a female character was rescued by Rare`s ability to make great games, it was a lucky break and as i said back then it was a big mistake for them to use a female in clearly a males role. Luckily time proved me right when they tried to emulate the success with Joanna Dork like they had the first time around. This ended up with a really bad game and storys saying Rare was finished. The game would have been so much better if it had a male character in the role instead, girls shooting guns? Dont make me laugh, its bad enough that they think they can drive, they really shouldn`t be encouraged anymore than they have been already.

Well i have had nothing but complaints about my intro the other day. I'm not sure exactly why, surely you should be happy that i finally admitted that we need females in games. I find it quite shocking that the females out there have time to read an intro and complain. When you know deep down that you should be doing the cleaning and cooking. Since some of you don't know how to be a good housewife, i think it is about time that you learned some of the basics. So put the pads down, click this link read it and then get back into the kitchen where you belong.

Well today you will all be glad to know that yet again I went out of my way to prove that females can't play games. Yesterday I got a link of someone saying you need to watch the skills of some female player on Guitar Hero 3, I don't know that I have ever heard of a female Guitar Hero player before either. I'll admit she wasn't half bad, she was all bad. So I thought, "I know ill dig out the old axe and give it a dust off to see if i still have my mad skills". And you know what...I was bringing the house down. As I shredded to Through the Fire and Flames with no trouble at all, I jumped up in the air doing an amazing scissor kick and unfortunately, my landing was slightly off and I ended up smashing through the coffee table. So not only did I beat her score, I also demolished a table in the process. Further proof that males not only play games better but also rock out better and harder as well.

Well since you females out there are continuing to play games i have some great news for you. Since Cooking Mama, the hi-tech cooking aid to teach women the world over how to cook was such a success, news has just hit the press sites that a follow up is on the way. Yes thats right yet another teaching game is on its way just for you females. So coming this fall to consoles everywhere is Cleaning Mama, with activites such as vacuuming, polishing and all other general household duties that you all should be doing.

Well i hope you enjoyed them, if not meh screw you guys.
:p

One Of My All Time Favourite Musicians

Well i was just sat here feeling sad as i do on occasion, with a million things going through my head, when i thought fuck it ill put some music on. Time after time i return to this song as its great and the lyrics are just awesome. Yeah i know what song is it? Well is Song To Sing When Im Lonely by John Frusciante (Guitarist with the Chili Peppers) Hes a musician in his own right as well though with 10 albums to his name to date which are all pretty awesome.

So heres the my favourite song by him with just random images, with the next youtube video being a live version of the same song.





A song to play when I'm lonely
Win and never play a game again
No one to face when I'm falling
Holding tight to dreams that never end

I'll be you
I do
I'll be you

No one's afraid to be called by another name
No one dares to be put down where they don't belong
Nowhere's anyone's reason
Everything dying and leaving

Out with these faults and you make me a baby
Faking a movement by no one seeing it
No one always finds peace flung
No one chooses to beat my pride down
Symbols pierce right through me
People fail to be drawn up
Sunlight to fade accumulates
Loving pain to be clung to
By luminous bodies
Only waiting for long signs to be wrong
And true to us
Out of place in my own time
Drowning thinking that I'm dry

Holding on to facts that will never be proven
Faking an action cause no one's looking
Hello when I'm crashing
Feel nothing when my life's flashing before my eyes

You should've threw me down
Is the content so much
You should've threw me down
Is the content so much
You should've threw me down
Is the content so much
You should've threw me down
Is the content so much



This is him just fucking about with Flea & Chad before a Chili Peppers show starts properly.



If you like his stuff he has an acoustic version of one of his albums for download free from his website.

We Did It, We Won The Cup!

Well the GamerScore League final happened this last weekend and we won. The final was pretty cool with some big scoring going on, with our team winning 21110 to 17150. The best thing was though that not only did my buddy Spartan break 100K on Thursday, but i also broke the mark on Sunday. Am i the first site admin to do it from all the sites out there? That could be true.

Overall my team worked as a pretty good unit and knew that we could count on each other to score when needed. Crash and Giraffe one k were beasts averaging 2,000 points a week in the normal season. Then in the play offs crash weighed in with another 4,000 points, while Girafee decided to play GTA 4 instead.
(Yes he was having fun while i was playing some random crap game, how i hated him)

The finals saw Giraffe and Crash both score over 6,300 points each. Thats pretty good for just 4 days gaming, or it would be if they both played on Saturday instead of leaving it to me. I think we all knew that we had it in the bag though and failing 4 RROD there was nothing going to stop us from winning, especially after the amount of work Crash had done in the weeks prior checking what games all 4 playoffs teams had available, and then editing it so that it displayed just ours and team 400,146.
If your intrested you can take a look at it here.

So what did we win?
Well we won the Cup! Isnt she a beauty.


We also won a 360 game each, with Crash also winning the Most Improved Award and bagging himself some microsoft points.

Overall though i was lucky to be part of this team, and would like to thank Spartan, Crash and Giraffe One K for asking me to join and be a part of it. We had quite a bit of fun over the last 2 months, theres not been a dull moment really with Giraffe telling me to score some points each week, and some very witty comments as we chatted while playing games. Including Giraffe saying how hes going to kill this developer or that developer for making a shitty game. So far on his to do list he has about 6 murders to commit, So i guess with the league season now over he will switch his efforts to that. So if you made Fifa:RTWC, Call OF Doody 2 or any other game he struggled with watch out.
lollamon

Crash did not swear at all during the league, the best we could get out of him was a few dang its, hopefully soon we can get him to say shit or boobies at least.

Spartans mic must be broken as he still isnt speaking, hopefully that will change soon and we can all get back together to laugh how bad i am at Gears Of War or some other game.

Disclaimer: Giraffe one k maybe a lot of things, but he probably wont come and kill you while you sleep,so dont worry about that happening. If your awake however watch out.
:P

You can read the write up on the final here
Also Spartans interview on breaking the 100K mark can be found here.

Warriors Orochi Review

Koei`s Dynasty Warriors and Samurai Warriors game series you either love them or hate them, as a result many of you will just ignore Warriors Orochi. Those that do however will miss out on a pretty cool game that deserves a lot more attention than most will give it.Yes it is similar to the Dynasty Warriors series in many ways, but its also very different as well.
So whats the game about? Its about £40 if you in the UK, $60 American, Seriously though its about the Serpent King Orochi using his demonic powers and shattering time and space to fuse together the three kingdoms era of china and the warring states period of japan, so that he may test his might against the legendary warriors of ancient China (Dynasty Warriors) and ancient Japan(Samurai Warriors) in battle.
Don't worry though that`s not all there is to the story line, as the game spans over four different main story lines for the factions of Shu,Wie,Wu and Samurai Warriors each consisting of 8 main levels with a further 7 levels a piece covering the X storylines, an alternative take to the original main branch, each with a totally unique last level compared to the in twined ending of the main story branch.



All story`s start off with a cut scene of the characters getting transported to the middle of nowhere to battle Orochi, The story of the very first Shu mission is that Zhao Yun has been held prisoner beneath Ueda Castle which is under the Serpent Kings control. Worrying about his masters safety (Liu Bei) Zhao Yun must escape from the castle and reunite with his master to defeat Orochi.
This mission has you playing as the following three characters.....
(I don't know why but playing as real people from centuries ago just seems to add something more to the game)

Zhao Yun who according to Wiki was a major military general during the civil wars of the late Han Dynasty and during the Three Kingdoms era of China. For most of his career, Zhao Yun served the warlord Liu Bei, playing a part in the establishment of Shu Han. In literature and folklore he is lauded as the third member of the Five Tiger Generals.

Xing Cai who is unfortunately a fictional character who is believed to be based upon Zhang Fei`s daughters.
She is depicted as a calm and collected warrior who wields a two-pronged fork called the "Ambition". Her ultimate goal is to protect her husband's kingdom in her father's stead.

Yoshimiro Shimazu,Again according to Wiki was a skilled general and the victory against the Ito clan at the battle of Kigasakihara on 1572 is counted as one of his many victories. He contributed greatly to the unification of Kyushu. On 1587, facing Toyotomi Hideyoshi's troops that sought to pacify Kyushu, Yoshihiro pressed for a war even after his brother and the head of clan Yoshihisa surrendered. After Yoshihisa repeatedly asked for the surrender, Yoshihiro finally did surrender. After Yoshihisa became a Buddhist monk, it had been believed that he became the head of the clan but the real power remained in Yoshihisa's hands.




All pretty cool characters and a pretty balanced team in all, with Zhao Yun being a mix of speed and strength,Xing Cai`s Speed and Yoshimiro`s power they are a pretty formidable team, and are all pretty fun to play as.

So what makes this game different from the previous Koei games, well the main difference is you can switch between 3 characters per stage during play as opposed to being stuck with 1 character that plays like a turd (Yes i do mean Yoshimoto Imagawa). You know the kind that causes you to just give up on the other games in the series, as you press buttons but don't seem to have any effect on the enemy units around you. With 3 characters you can change between on the fly though, there is always a character that you will enjoy playing as, which in turn makes the game so much more fun to play. It also makes the game a bit easier than previous titles in the Koei game series, as when one character is nearly dead you can switch them out to rest, instead of seeing the dreaded defeat screen in their other games.
Just when you find a character you like and have levelled up over a few levels, you normally unlock another character who is much more fun to play as than the last (Mitsunari Ishida), with the majority of the characters having different moves and combos, most are different, but with over 75 characters its with little suprise that some of the characters do seem like carbon copys of others with just graphical changes, although once you found 3 you like you don't normally change them, so its not a big problem.



Yes it is just a button masher with you mainly just using the X and Y buttons, but there are also combinations that come into play with an extra press of the X button before the Y sometimes meaning all the difference between a average move and one that takes out most of the enemies around you. Along with these combos you also have the special attacks activated by the RB button which depending on the character can be something really cool that does a lot of damage, (Mitsunari Ishida) to something rather lack luster (Yoshimoto Imagawa again) that makes you wish you saved your musou gauge, these moves however like the Musou moves can get you out of a pickle when your swarmed by enemies with only a slither of health left, some characters special attacks don't use any of the Musou though, which is pretty handy as you don't have to worry about conserving your energy so you have enough to use the Musou move for the next officer you have to defeat.Incase you have not played any of Koei`s games before a Musou move is a super devastating move that does a serious amount of damage, kind of like Ryu`s Shinku Hadoken and Akuma`s Shun Goku Satsu in the Street Fighter series, or Tidus and his overdrive moves in Final Fantasy X.

Another cool feature added to the game is the ability to customise and strengthen the attack power of your weapons, with a total of four weapons in the game to be found for each character. The customisation of the weapons costs growth points that you get from playing the game. With each weapon being able to add an extra 20 points of attack power and having 8 abilities used on them from the rather pointless air, which is good against enemies in the air.(I've seen about 3 enemy officers in the whole game jump and that`s all) to the much better ones like ice which freezes enemies in blocks of ice while you give them a beating.




As well as these though you also have character abilities which you unlock by meeting certain conditions in the game, from defeating 180 troops in a set time limit to taking out so many officers without using any of your musou gauge. These can make a big difference to how easy or hard the game can be for you, if playing on normal upwards, with abilities such as Vitality that extends your life bar, or acclaim that gives you more experience so you level up faster. You can only equip seven of these in total though, which is pretty annoying when you want to equip eight of them, If they made it so you could equip eight though i would want to equip nine, but hey I'm greedy i want everything and more



Each level has you basically having to defeat certain officers, while making sure that one or two of your own stay alive, while taking out troops along the way.
So what is it about the game that makes it fun to play? I don't know but i got all the achievements in it, (Yes I'm sorry i mentioned them in a review but i had to) but then proceeded to play the game for another 3 - 4 hours after. In short this game just seems to have something that keeps me coming back for more. I'm not a big fan of going around collecting this and that, levelling this character up and crap like that, Yet i would gladly sit here and do it for 90% of the characters in the game, unlocking all the abilities and getting the fourth weapons for each character. This games fun and i like it, it just has this charm about it maybe its because there doesn't seem to be much choice around now days with the plethora of First Person Shooters, even though that`s not the case as There`s a lot of good games still being made that don't involve guns.

So in closing go and at least rent the game and give it a try, if you don't like it come back and call me a liar, i cant really say fairer than that, but hopefully one or two of you will appreciate and treasure this game for what it is,an old school hack n` slash game play with a lot more to offer than you will see in a screen shot.


Audio – 7.0
Visual - 7.5
Gameplay - 8.0
Lifespan - 9.0
Presentation - 7.5

Giraffe One K?

Well as most people know i call Graf1k, Graf One K after some idiot said it to him on live while reading his tag in a lobby. Well last night on The Outfit someone went one better and called him Giraffe in the lobby. As soon he said it Graf instantly got a new name, so from now on if you reply to a post or quote him you should now call him Giraffe One K. If only someone would call Crash something else in a lobby, so we can come up with something new to call Him.

Gamer Score League Update FTW!!!!

Well this week was We have Hax & Sploits toughest match up so far. We all worked as a team this week throwing up some major points, with me and crash staying up till scoring had ended just to make sure that we won. Sunday was real close with The Anti Shadow Pigs of Truth catching up on the 1k lead we had over them, with them creeping up and getting 11 points behind us at one point,then the next being 200 points in front. We managed to get back into the lead though thanks to some nifty team work and also a bit of luck with Death By Pigs 360 breaking on him with only 8 hours of scoring left. Although if it had not broke i still think we would have won, Either way i would like to thank all the members of the opposing team, Blind Rage,Death By Pig,Shadow and Veritas for pushing us and making this weeks game intresting.
Id also like to thank General Tynstar and Ijohn for helping me with the online side of Fifa Street 3 and NHL 2K8 respectively.



"We Have Hax & Sploits. You Just Have Aids"
vs
The Anti Shadow Pigs of Truth Result





"We Have Hax & Sploits. You Just Have Aids"
vs
Alpha Squad Result




So whats up with our team so far?
Well Spartans being his quiet self as normal, but hes knocking out the points and you can count on him when needed. A great but quiet guy and the captain of our team,plus the dude kills trucks,how cool is that.

Crash is doing an amazing job racking up points each week, the scary thing is he even scores quite a lot of points when were not in a match. The guys a scoring machine and a bit of a completition addict racking up about 10-15 completion badges in the last few weeks alone.

Graf One K, this guy is awesome and makes me laugh all the time, highlights of the last 2 weeks have been me playing turning point and being in chat with him while he plays Call Of Duty 2 on veteran, all i heard was for Ducks sake, thats bullshit and ive had enough of this bullshit i want to goto infinity wards offices and kill the lot of them for making a shitty fucking game. (Dont worry infinity ward he wont do it,well probably not but you might want to lock the door just incase.)
Another highlight was listening to him trying to get the skulls on viking in darkwater, it was more of the usual this is Ducking bullshit, Duck this game and more stuff that was making me laugh.
Graf One K pissed off at a game = Funny as Duck

He did show a softer side to himself this week,which is pretty scary spartan,crash and i all recieved this message the other day from Graf.



I guess the guy must be ill or something as normally hes brimming with hate.
lol

So will our team make the playoffs? well with this weeks double win i cant see us not making it, our teams pretty awesome.

Pwned by Kotaku.com :(

Well im pissed off at the moment,why? because today i wrote a story on ConsoleHeroes.com about Iron Man appearing in the new Hulk game based on this render here.



This render has been available for the last 5-6 days and nobody had noticed anything about it,but as i was looking through Sega`s new screenshots today i stumbled across it again and took another look at it.
Then wrote the story which is here

Then about an hour after i thought i would share the news with Kotaku as they always give props to the sources, so i figured it would be good for the site. What i did not count on though was a guy called Mike Fahey on taking that info, and making out that he had just recieved the 5 day old render in his mailbox, and writing this story without giving props for the info,which is a courtesy that they show to other websites. So Mikey although you probably wont read this, i think your a twat for not naming the source of your story. A story that you would not have had in the first place,if i didn`t email it to you, but i guess Kotaku dont care as they are a big site and can do what they want.